Adoption Finalization

This an update on Final Hurdle that detailed (and lamented) some of the hoop jumping & paperwork required before we can get our adoption finalized.

Post-Placement Visit

When Theo was five-months-old, we had a post-placement visit from a social worker to confirm that we were in fact fit to parent our child. She spent about 2 hours in our home (polished and primped) with the three of us.  I spent a frantic hour prior to the visit walking Theo rapidly around the block so he’d nap and wake up refreshed and charming. He did zonk out for about 40 minutes,  and put on a show of smiles and belly tricks for the social worker like a friendly performing seal. After about half an hour, he showed signs of fatigue and the social worker invited/suggested Mark to put him down.  Excuse, me … put a baby down for a nap without screams and cries. Ha ha. While I chatted about what it’s been like to be parents in an open adoption with the social worker, Mark tried in vain to quietly get him to sleep. Eventually they reemerged and Theo just hung out on Mark’s lap for the duration. Over the course of the visit, we recounted a blow-by-blow of what had occurred over the last 7 months from meeting the birthparents to Theo’s birth to our current openness arrangement. We also discussed generalities like his nap “schedule,” sleeping patterns and our daily activities. After a couple of hours, she left. We breathed a sigh of relief, and checked one more thing off our list. About a month later (a few days ago), her report arrived in the mail as an almost verbatim account of everything we’d said and included this very important final paragraph:

“Harriet and Mark are providing Theo with a nurturing family environment. They describe and demonstrate a strong attachment to Theo, and he responds well to their care, there are no reported or observed concerns regarding this placement. I recommend granting the adoption order for the completion of Harriet and Mark’s adoption of Theo.”

Yippee!

Final Steps

On Thursday, we will visit our friend/adoptive parent/lawyer who has graciously offered to notarize and submit our paperwork pro bono. He’ll help us complete some remaining forms after which, we’ll submit our documents to the Supreme Court of BC.

Waiting

Once  the documents are submitted, they spend several months winding their way through the courts. We can expect the adoption to be finalized in the next 3 to 6 months. At that point, we can apply for a birth certificate, SIN and passport.

In the meantime, we plan to crack open a bottle of champagne.

Weekly Update – teething trauma

In my Adjusting to Parenthood post, I was on top of the world:  bursting with happiness and good fortune, thrilled to to be so in tune with my baby’s needs. After all he was crawling and rolling and full of smiles.

This week, teething took a bite out of  my good mood, grinding it up and spitting it all over the ground.

Theo’s first tooth was like the popular girl in high school popping in a effortlessly but making a big splash: shiny, dramatic, and sharp. Badaboom! His second (bottom incisor) was the kid from the wrong side of the tracks,  smoking at 12 and full of  frustration, pain and anger at the universe.  This kid would not let go.

Four days of screaming, tears, and buckets of (avert eyes if you have not gone through this), loose, rank yellow poo. I can smell it’s acrid odor the from rooms away now. My friend later told me this is known a “teething poo.”  The babywho took up solids with such enthusiasm and ease several weeks back, has not eaten peas, sweet potatoes or cereal for four days.  He is  “back on the bottle.” When he isn’t crying, he’s fussing and wants to be held but doesn’t want to be held.  We’ve tried lots of remedies and while we can temporarily alleviate the pain, I cannot stop his stomach problem nor can I get him to eat.

I’m beaten, exhausted and irritable. And the good news? We only have 18 more to go!

Wordless Wednesday

Photo taken by Darlene Oakey Tandon, mother of Ravi, age 7 months.

The Pool

I took Theo to the Aquatic Centre recently for his first “swim” in the toddler pool. As we entered the warm, shallow water, my eyes fell on a tall black woman and her beaming baby girl. The woman immediately approached us glancing at me with my pasty white skin and then to my brown-skinned boy, with his hints of soft curls, standing sturdily in the water, oblivious.

She remarked in a rich African accent (Nigeria, Zimbabwe perhaps?) on how lovely Theo was and I returned the compliment (in my flat Canadian accent) as her child, Ella, 8-months, really was spectacular with deep, black skin, a wide smile, and three-inch long springs of hair jutting straight up of her head all arranged with colourful hairbands.

We chatted about swimming and how to get babies to put his heads under water without drowning then and the inexpensiveness of swimming lessons.

She and Ella soon departed saying they hoped we would come back to the pool soon. I said, I hoped so too.

A post a day – what I learned

My 2010 resolution was to post a blog entry every day in January. What was I thinking?! January is the longest month of the year. If not technically, then mentally.  I missed three posts and learned a few things.

1)  Blogging (and goals) are not more important than taking care of my child. There were times when he was rolling around on the kitchen floor yelping while I was all glassy-eyed, glued to the screen muttering, “just a sec, one more… ” As the month progressed, I left my writing until later in the day making a rule that the baby had to be napping in order for me to post. After a terrible night’s sleep, I did not post.

2) On the flip-side, I started paying more attention to Theo’s progress,  to when and how he reached certain milestones so I could document it for posterity. In ten years (if this thing called the Internet still exists), I hope to be able to look up when he got his first tooth, started to crawl, and ate pea mush long after my memory of these thrilling events has faded.

3) The more you write, the faster the ideas come. I feel like a vein of creativity burst open. I even wrote a poem, which totally surprised me. It arrived fully formed in a flash. Who knew?

4) On a personal level, the posts were often cathartic, a way of coming to terms with our situation as parents in a very open adoption.

5)  I learned from people’s comments and feedback (Big shout-out to Amber Strocel for commenting on every one of my posts!).  I realized other parents have struggles whether they have adopted or not. I heard fascinating stories from adoptees and birthparents (shout out to @blissgirl) that deepened my commitment to openness. I even stirred up a little controversy with a post about adopting from Haiti. I learned that I didn’t enjoy the dissenting viewpoints but was heartened by all the support I received from parents and adoptees.

6) Posting daily increased my interest in other blogs and expanded my worldview. I went to every commenter’s blog. I got my commenting sh*t together as commenting tools are a minefield of logins and signups. I found great comfort in following other mothers travails. I learned a lot about what lies ahead, in particular, from Susan of mommyingaround who details her now-one-year-old son’s every move with photos. I appreciate the diversity of thought, opinion and style out there.

7) I learned that everyone is touched by adoption in some form whether they know it or not. Adoption is part of our story as a society and as human beings.

What have you learned by being a regular blogger?

A Basket Story

This is a story based on the Moses story written for us by Susan Diewold, a teacher at my husband’s Catholic school. It seems fitting for a Sunday post.

Once there was a couple that greatly desired a child, a special child, chosen just for them by God.  Being creative in their approach, they presented God with a basket and begged God to return it, their special child tucked securely within.  With prayers to bless it, and hope to buoy it, they set the basket upon the waters of life.  This basket was perfect for the task: faith and trust were the pliable cords woven together to shape it.  Its strength could weather the storms it would encounter.  The couple watched the basket as it drifted from their sight.  A longing for completion filled their souls.

For months the basket drifted.  At times it seemed that it was going to be run aground or caught in rocks but always a wind would loosen it and nudge it onwards.  There seemed to be no destination and the basket remained empty.  The couple, far away, watched the horizon for some sign of its return.

Then one day, the basket was blown towards a wind-swept shore.  It was wedged between rocks and settled into the sand. Water lapped gently over and around it and sand slipped into its ridges.  Its journey appeared to be ended.

A young woman, large with child, was wandering the beach. She absent-mindedly massaged the child within her, deep in thought.  She desperately wanted her child but knew her desire to be impossible.  She had, herself, only just stepped out of childhood. How though, could she give up her child and never know its destiny?  Suddenly she stumbled – something was embedded in the sand.  She knelt and uncovered the basket.  She held it closely to examine the fine workmanship.  She knew it had been crafted with great care.  She sat and contemplated its fine design.

Slowly, from deep within her being, a forgotten story emerged, a story that offered her a solution to her dilemma.  Once, long ago, another mother was faced with the realization that she must give her child away, this the only way to keep him safe.  She too had wanted to know her son.  She crafted a basket of love to hold him and she placed her child into the water, trusting God to guide the basket into the hands of someone who would cherish her son as she longed to.  Later, her plan successful, she had stepped forward to offer help when needed as the child grew.   Yes, the basket was the answer!

Quickly, the girl shook the basket free of sand and carefully cleaned it.  She took it home and lined it with a special blanket, one she wove with threads of sacrificial love.  When her son was born, she placed the child securely within the basket and set it back into the water.  The wind, infused with tear-stained prayers and blessings, blew the basket steadily towards a distant shore.  The young mother followed from a distance, her eyes never leaving her son, the wind guiding her own small craft.

On the shore, the couple still longed for the basket’s return.  Daily they scanned the horizon always hopeful that it would be the day they would be given their child.  As they approached the beach in the hot afternoon sun, they heard a baby crying and there, resting on the sand, was their basket, their special child secure within.  They scrambled forward, lifted the child from the basket and, overwhelmed with incredible gratitude, embraced the child.

The young mother watched from a distance, satisfied that her son was safe and wanted.  Shyly she walked towards the couple and stood until they noticed her.  Hesitantly she introduced herself as the child’s mother.  She explained to them that she would always love her son, support him with prayers and, later, share her stories with him. But now, in the present moment, the greatest gift she could give him was two loving parents. Tears flowing, sobbing, she freely offered them her child, her son.

Love freely shared is life empowering.  Love poured out through self-sacrifice is the most potent kind of love.  It transforms and re-creates.  The young woman walked away with this ancient wisdom painfully seeping into her soul.  The new parents, transfixed in awe, stood gazing at their son.  Their request of God had been fulfilled.  They picked up the empty basket from the beach, gently brushed away the sand and held it reverently. They would set it in a place of honour in their home.  This basket, and its story, was now a family treasure, forever a testimony to God’s fidelity.   Sent forth in trust and faith, guided by the breath of God, it had returned bearing a Divine Gift.

Weekly Update

Never met a toe I couldn't suck

This is my weekly update on Theo. I do it for me as a reminder of all his changes/milestones at various ages and stages.

The Stats

Theo turned 6 months on Wednesday. We visited the doc for his shot and found out that he weighs 18 lbs, 13 oz and is 72 cm in length. He is no longer the 50th percentile baby. His weight is between 50 and 75th and his height (or length) is 95th.  He’s stretched out! What this really means is his clothes get tight in the crotch area and are loose around the waist. It also means he should be taller than me and his birthmom by age 12!

Teeth

He has one visible tooth – the left, front incisor. He does not seem to be overly affected by teething pai,n and we have not used anything other than Sophie the miracle giraffe. Nonetheless, we may need to use some of the following in the future.

Teething remedies recommended by friends

• Camilla
• Clove oil
• Hyland tablets
• Teething ring
• Tempra or Oragel
• Ibuprofen or Tylenol
• Icy washcloth, frozen toy, Sophie, Mom’s finger

Sleep

Overall, his sleep has slowly and incrementally improved. Out of the blue,  his schedule shifted from 9 or 10 pm bedtime to 6:30-7:30 pm, which seems a little more normal for an infant. He typically sleeps ten hours in a row, which still amounts to an early get up time! He used to wake up at 1 and 4 and need us to roll him over and pat him on the back but now he wakes up, makes a few noises and goes back to sleep. I’m quite happy with this arrangement; however, I now need to go to bed earlier.

Our sleep “training strategy” was a combination of many different philosophies.  We have never co-slept mainly because this kid snores like a Huskavarna. Add that to my husband’s snoring and I’d be sleeping in the crib. Theo loves his crib; it’s his little domain, his “Krib” if you will.  In terms of sleeping, over time (at around 4 months), we slowly weaned him off middle of the night feedings and pickups. I’d go in, turn him on his front (he’s a front sleeper), put his fuzzy blanket up to his ears, and pat him on the back – at first I also put my arm under his belly while patting him (but not picking him up). Then I’d leave the room for a few minutes. If he cried again, I’d simply re-enter until her fell asleep. The second feeding was harder to drop. He often seemed ravenous. But eventually, we stopped that as well. It was quite a slow process, and we did not let him Cry it Out in the true sense; although he often cries for a minute or so before sleeping. He now sleeps ten hours, gets up for two hours and back down for a nap. Like all kids, he sometimes has a rough night (like after his vaccination), but the next night he’ll be back to ten hours. I’d like him to sleep 12 but we’re not there yet.

Food

We went a little rogue with feeding and trusted our instincts looking for signs from Theo. At just over 5 months, we started him with rice cereal, which he would not eat. So we shifted our attention to vegetables. We fed him a thin slice of mashed avocado, and he loved it! Yippee! We were in the game! I then started boiling whatever I had on hand in a thin layer of water and mashing it. He subsequently ate, sweet potatoes, peas, peas and potato mixed; carrots. I then gave cereal another go. This time oat cereal and just to be sure, I added a little mashed banana. This was a bit hit. He now has three little mushy meals a day. We did have one vomiting incident so we have curtailed the amount he eats in the evening. It’s a great relief that he likes to eat.

Development

He can crawl short distances, do push-ups, rolls over very quickly, pulls up on anything he can find; stands with help; sits up; make a lot of noises. He’s loud, expressive, highly social and a lot of fun!

Having faith

I’m six months into a nine-month EI-funded parental leave (adoptive parents do not qualify for maternity leave) with no clear view of the finish line. I know a few things: I’m not going back. I’m not staying home. I don’t have childcare. I have no plan. I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

What a fantastic place to be! So full of possibility!

One thing I do know is I can achieve whatever (within reason I put my mind to. The trick is of course, knowing WHAT to put my mind to.

So here I sit thanks to Amber and her Crafting Your Life series where she challenges mothers to reflect on their next steps in life. My post is a bit of self-boosterism, a little personal pick-me-up, to show that, in fact, I achieved a few things once I put my mind to it.

1)      I lived in Whistler for a year as a waitress and skied every day.

2)      I rode my bike from Vancouver to Tijuana, Mexico, ostensibly myself.

3)      I lived in Japan for a year teaching English

4)      I traveled throughout India, Nepal and Thailand by myself

5)      I worked on a radical feminist journal to gain newspaper experience and get into Langara’s Journalism school, which I did.

6)      I worked on a community newspaper for almost ten years as a film and arts reviewer

7)      I traveled to Costa Rica, Ecuador, Peru and Bolvia

8)      In the span of three years, my husband and I got married, bought half a house, and adopted our son.

Our adoption deserves more explanation as it really shifted my idea of how things happen. You can’t just muscle your way into achievement. You need to really truly believe in what you’re doing. When Mark and I decided to adopt, we both knew it was what we wanted. I remember how right it felt and how ecstatic we were about this new direction. We wasted no time, following every necessary step with diligence and were shocked when the agency called after less that a year that a birthmother had selected us to parent her baby-to-be. There is no way that simply following the steps resulted in our success. I believe it was a combination of doing the work, being sure it was the right decision, having faith in the process, and leaving the rest to fate. I am not religious, and I don’t read self-help books. However, our adoption made me sure that having faith that you are on the right path is the ineffable piece that helps make goals and dreams and reality.

Wordless Wednesday

Six-months today and wearing the same overalls Dad wore 35+ years ago.

Haitian adoptions – my 2 cents

There seems to be a feeling out there that we should swoop into Haiti, pick up all the “orphans” and give them to willing families. Agencies are flooded with calls right now, and I’ve seen numerous tweets saying things like “everyone should adopt one” or the Canadian government should “fast track” adoptions (without knowing what that means). I’ve read the articles and listened to the phone-in shows (CBC’s Almanac and Cross Canada Check Up with Rex Murphy), watched the new clips, and am a little stunned by how misguided and naive people are around the realities of adoption and international law. Emotions are rising high and the feelings of wanting to help are genuine.

1)   New Arrivals: I am thrilled for the families who has been matched with  children that their files were sped up. It’s hard to hold back the tears when you see the new parents drop to their knees with relief and joy when their kids come off the plane. These parents have been through a homestudy process, learned about transracial issues, institutionalization, and attachment. They have waited so long, and they are ready.

2)    Family Plan: If you are truly interested in adoption, it should already be part of your plan as a family. You should be in the adoption process, which includes registering with an agency (or the Ministry), an in-depth education component, and working with a social worker to assess you readiness. Whether you have children or not, you need to be seriously committed to adoption. And if you are, there are children in dire need of families all over the world including Canada.

3)    International Adoption Regulations: Intercountry adoption is a two-way street. Canada does not dictate all the terms of adoption with foreign countries. In the case of Haiti, one of the reasons people wait so long to adopt (and most of the children are well out of the baby stage) is because of Haiti’s rules not Canada’s. Mark and I found out we did not qualify for Haiti as we had not been married for 5 years, which was a requirement of the program. Similarly, Canada cannot enter another country and take its children away.

4)   Traumatized Children: Adopting a child who has been through extreme trauma caused by losing their parents, living in an orphanage and surviving an earthquake is something that will take years to recover from if at all. Their learning may be delayed; the effects of malnutrition may be severe. For bonding and attachment to occur, someone may need to be a full-time caregiver. The worst thing would be for the child to be sent directly to daycare or school without first firmly attaching to their new parents.

5)     Race, Culture and Language: Haitian children are not white. If you are, you need to know that you have never experienced racism and your child will. Ideally, one parent represents the culture or at least “the other” as they say. If you are both white, look at where you live. Do you have a connection to a Haitian-American community? Haitian children speak a Creole-French. Of course, they will learn English, but language is an important part of culture and identity. Do you live in a multicultural neighborhood or will your child be the only black kid in their school? Haiti is a Catholic country, are you? If no, how do you honour that piece.

6)     Finding Family: It’s possible that the children have family and their family members have not been found. What if they are found? Most adoptees will attest to the fact that they wanted to know more about their biological families especially as they got older. Intercountry adoption does not preclude this desire. More and more internationally adopted children are seeking out their biological families and in some cases finding entire families in their birth countries.

7)     Savior Syndrome: Is your motivation for adopting to “save a child?” or build your family? Adoptive parents are not saviours, they are regular people committed to creating a family just like any other parents. How will your child feel years from now if they thought you rescued them? How “grateful” they might be. No child needs to feel grateful to their parents. Parents have children because they want to. People who really want to help children sponsor individuals in their home countries, donate to orphanages or work in what ever way they can to help a country get back on its feet.

Still interested? A second Haitian Adoption information session is being put on by the Adoptive Families Association of BC on Feb 4, 7-8:30. To register, go to http://www.eventbrite.com/event/552061230